The Booger Eater

In elementary school there was a very unique girl in my class. There was one thing that really made her stand out in school, so much, that I still remember her to this day. Her name was Jocelyn and she was “The Booger Eater”.

Jocelyn would dig in her nose with her thumb until the booger was stuck in her nail. She would then chew it out like it was a hidden treasure. I believe she used her thumb so that she could partially cover her face to hide her booger mining operation. In the beginning of the year, she would try to hide her booger eating by picking her nose, waiting a minute then chewing it out with her teeth. After everyone realized what she was doing, Jocelyn removed the pause in between the mining and chewing. This greatly increased her consumption of boogers per hour, satisfying her insatiable hunger for more boogers.

Jocelyn had very large nostrils for a white girl. Perhaps it was coincidence that the girl with very large nostrils just so happens to pick her nose with her thumb. Word on the street was that this was no coincidence. This leads me to wonder how someone becomes a booger connoisseur. Everything about it is incredibly disgusting. This is coming from the sweet boy that took a bite of his own shit so you know it’s bad. Like any human I have questions. Are boogers like farts? Do booger eaters only enjoy their own boogers or do they secretly want to eat the boogers of other humans. Would they eat the boogers of another species? Are there vitamins and minerals lacking in their diet that they retrieve from this sometimes crunchy, sometimes bloody, usually slimy snack? Are there trophy boogers that they get really excited to eat? Like those booger that tickle your brain when you pull them out?

I hit up Wikipedia for more information on this taboo topic and here is what I found. The act of harvesting then consuming boogers is called mucophagy. Apparently, booger consumption is very common in children and sometimes caused by psychological disorders. The obsessive compulsive disorder association of South Africa concluded that people who ate their boogers found them “tasty”. I don’t care what everyone says about you South Africa, I think you’re swell! One scientist named, Friedrich Bischinger, claimed that eating boogers is healthy and provides a boost to the immune system. I have a feeling that Friedrich Bischinger is another booger eater trying to justify being a disgusting piece of shit.

Somehow, Jocelyn was accepted in school. I find this amazing, since children are the cruelest creatures on earth. There is nothing too terrible for a child to say to someone’s face. We all got along and just made sure to steer clear of those thumbs. I never saw her after elementary school but occasionally when I’m strangling a hooker to death and I see a booger in their nose, it makes me think of her.

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